A guide from the team at Unity Casket

At Unity Casket, we have supported Taoist families across Singapore for over two decades. One thing we hear consistently from guests is that they worry about doing the wrong thing. The truth is that families do not expect you to know everything. Showing up with care is what matters most.

This guide draws on what we’ve seen and learned over the years, walking you through what to wear, what to bring, how to conduct yourself at the wake, and what to do when you leave. You do not need to be Taoist or Chinese to attend with consideration. Taoist customs also vary between dialect groups and family traditions, so when in doubt, follow the lead of those around you or quietly ask a family member.

If you have been asked to help with the arrangements rather than attend as a guest, our Taoist funeral services page has more information.

What to Wear

 

Dark, muted colours such as black, navy, or grey are the standard choice for guests today. White is also appropriate (it is the traditional Chinese mourning colour), though you will see it worn more often by the immediate family. Steer clear of red, orange, and other bright shades, which are associated with celebration. Smart casual is fine, as long as it is modest.

What to Bring

 

A white envelope with a cash offering Most guests bring a white envelope, known as pek kim (白金) in Hokkien, with a cash offering inside. It is a small but meaningful gesture, both as a condolence and as practical help. As a rough guide: $30 to $50 for acquaintances and colleagues, $50 to $100 for friends, and $100 and above for close friends or relatives. In our experience, though, families appreciate the gesture regardless of the exact amount, and the act of showing up matters more.

A few conventions worth knowing:

• Give in odd amounts ($30, $50, $70, $90, $110). $100 is technically even, but is a widely accepted round-number exception.
• Avoid the number 4 in any form. The Mandarin word for four (四, sì) sounds like the word for death (死, sǐ). Do not give $40, $44, $400, and so on.
• Never use a red packet (ang bao). Red is for celebrations. White envelopes are usually available at the reception table.
• Write your name clearly so the family can record it for hui (回), the reciprocity record that allows them to return the gesture at future funerals in your circle

You can hand the envelope to a family member at the reception table or drop it in the donation box. Cash without an envelope is also fine, and some families now accept PayNow if you cannot attend in person.

Floral wreaths or stands (optional)

You will not see many guests walking in with bouquets in hand. The custom is to send a floral wreath or stand to the wake venue, where the florist delivers it, and the funeral team displays it for you. White or yellow chrysanthemums, lilies, and orchids are traditional choices. Just steer clear of red flowers. If the family has asked for donations to a charity instead of pek kim or flowers, please respect that preference instead.

What not to bring

It is best to skip food, fruit, and other gifts unless the family has asked for them. Ritual items such as joss paper are taken care of by the family and the funeral team.

What Happens During the Wake

 

A Taoist wake in Singapore typically runs for 3, 5, or 7 days (odd numbers, since even numbers are associated with auspicious events), with the family keeping vigil through the night. You can arrive at any point during the wake hours the family has shared. For most acquaintances and colleagues, 15 to 30 minutes is a comfortable length of stay; longer if you are closer to the family.

The altar and offerings 

At the altar, you will see a photograph of the deceased surrounded by offerings of fruit, food, and incense, with candles kept burning throughout the wake. The atmosphere is solemn, but you will also see relatives sitting together and supporting one another. Quiet conversation around the tables is completely normal.

Prayer and chanting

A Taoist priest leads prayer and chanting sessions at intervals to guide the deceased's spirit on its journey. You are not expected to join in. If a session is happening when you arrive, wait nearby and observe quietly until it ends.

Burning of joss paper

During the wake, joss paper and paper effigies of household items or money are burned to provide the deceased with what they need in the afterlife. This is part of a broader set of Taoist funeral traditions around caring for the departed soul, and the burning is taken care of by the family and the funeral team.

Food and refreshments

Light refreshments are usually offered to guests, and it is perfectly fine to accept. This is one of the ways families care for those who have come to pay their respects.

How to Pay Respects at the Altar

When you arrive, a family member will usually greet you and guide you toward the altar. Two joss sticks are the standard number at a Taoist funeral, while at a Buddhist funeral, one is the usual number, which is good to know if you ever attend both.

Light the joss sticks from one of the candles on the altar rather than your own lighter. If a flame catches, wave the sticks gently from side to side to extinguish it (please do not blow them out).

Then hold the smouldering sticks upright between both palms at chest or forehead level, facing the portrait of the deceased, bow three times slowly from the waist, and place the sticks upright in the incense pot. A full kowtow is reserved for immediate family, so a bow from the waist is exactly right for guests.

If you are not comfortable lighting joss sticks for personal or religious reasons, bowing quietly without them is completely fine. You will not be the first guest in this situation. Once you have paid your respects, offer a quiet word of condolence to the family members nearby. A sincere acknowledgement is more than enough.

Things to Be Mindful Of

A handful of small courtesies makes a big difference. None of these is difficult; they are simply ways of showing care for the family.

• Keep your manner subdued. Avoid loud greetings or hugs on arrival, keep your voice low, and silence your phone. If a call is urgent, step outside.
• Try not to let tears fall on the casket. In Taoist belief, this is thought to disturb the spirit. If you find yourself emotional near the casket, take a step back.
• Use an open hand rather than a finger if you need to gesture toward the casket or altar.
• Avoid taking photographs unless the family has explicitly said it is okay.
• Give the altar room as you move around the space. Try not to cross directly in front of it.

When You Leave

Most Taoist wakes set out a small basin of water with pomelo leaves (sometimes floral water) near the exit for guests to rinse their hands before leaving. The ritual gently separates the spiritual atmosphere of the funeral from your daily life, and it is a kind gesture to follow it. The family may also give you a small token, such as a sweet, a coin, or a red thread, as a customary thank-you for your pek kim. Accept it and take it with you.

Leaving a Taoist wake is a little different from leaving any other gathering. Slip out quietly rather than making rounds to say goodbye, and try to avoid phrases like ‘See you soon’ or ‘Take care, bye!’ when parting from the chief mourners, as these are considered inauspicious. By tradition, guests also do not look back at the venue as they walk away.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can I attend if I am not Taoist or Chinese?

Absolutely. Guests of every background are welcome, and the family has invited you because your presence matters to them. Quiet, respectful observation is enough.

What if I am a Christian or a Muslim and cannot light joss sticks?

This comes up often, and it is genuinely fine. You can bow at the altar without lighting incense and then offer your condolences to the family directly. You may also let the funeral care team know when you arrive, and they will guide you.

Is it appropriate to bring children?

It depends on the family. Some prefer that young children not be present, particularly during prayer sessions. A quick check with the family beforehand is the easiest way to know.

What do I say to the family?

Something simple and sincere is enough. In Mandarin, jié āi shùn biàn (节哀顺变, meaning ‘restrain your grief and accept the change’) is commonly used. In English, ‘I am sorry for your loss’ is always appropriate. Presence matters more than eloquence.

What if I accidentally do something wrong?

Please do not worry. Families who invite guests from outside their community understand that not everyone is familiar with Taoist funeral rites. If you are unsure, follow the lead of those around you, or quietly ask a family member. What the family will remember is that you came.

If You Are Helping to Arrange the Funeral

Sometimes, attending a wake is what prompts a family to think about their own arrangements, whether for an ageing parent or to spare the people they love from having to figure it all out in a moment of grief. If that conversation is one you're ready to have, we're here. Unity Casket has supported Taoist families across Singapore for over two decades, working with all major dialect groups to ensure every farewell is conducted with the appropriate rites and in the right way. We offer:

• Full traditional and streamlined Taoist funeral packages, with the option of locally-made eco-green caskets
• Post-funeral rites, including 49th-day, 100th-day, and Gong Teck (功德) ceremonies
• Sea burial and ash scattering, including inland ash scattering at the Garden of Peace
• International repatriation and pre-planning services

Whatever stage you are at, just beginning to think about this, or needing help right now, our team is here for you 24 hours a day, island-wide.

Call us anytime at +65 6280 0121, or get in touch through our website. We will take it from there.